dear diary, may 5th. this old dude invited me into his huge gothic castle. hes really nice and was all like "come in, make yourself at home, leave a little of the happiness you bring though! :)" but he looks kinda weird and his palms are hairy so i turned away in disgust and it hurt his feelings. i think he might kill me now? anyway tell mina i love her - jonathan harker, 1897
I've watched enough to be considered a certified expert. Now it's time for me to give my unsolicited opinion on them.
Ranking is honestly pretty loose here. Check my notes for details as to why I positioned what where. If a vampire move you like is not on this list, shoot me a message to let me know!
Dracula (1958)
Watching Dracula 1958 is what kicked off my most recent movie frenzy. It still astounds me how good this movie is in 2020. Really enjoyable, if only the rest of the vampire movies from this era were so good!
What We Do in the Shadows (2014)
Parody of literally all the other movies on this list, yet somehow does them better. An absolute delight. All Vampires Are Dumbass Bi/Pansexuals, Baby!!!!!!!
Blade (1998)
Blade is so fucking good. Oh my god. Blade is so fucking good.
Blacula (1972)
Blacula is so good and it has every right to be recognized as good. It stands out from the other vampires movie of its era. The ending is sadly weak, imo, but MAN Mamuwalde is one of the best vampires on this list. He's rad!
Scream Blacula Scream (1973)
In many ways this movie builds upon and improves the first Blacula. I think the plot is MUCH stronger. Honestly I'm not sure which is BETTER, they are like the same caliber of Real Fun overall. Anyway Mamuwalde, once again, totally rules.
Dracula (1992)
Beautiful movie that did not need to be 3 hours long. I adore its visuals and enjoyed my time with it, but between the meh ending and the unappealing central romance... I'm kinda like "why are people saying this is the best vampire movie when blade is RIGHT. THERE." also gary oldman is NOT sexy no matter WHAT Francis Ford Coppola says
Van Helsing (2004)
MWAH! Delicious schlock, so much fun. Movie that made me bisexual at age 8. Van Helsing rules.
Vampires vs. the Bronx (2020)
Cute and fun as heck!!!! The people who made this movie really love Blade, and for the multiple Blade references alone it gets an A+ from me. Bonus points for the Ghost shirt! Besides the references tho this movie is a really fun delightful vampire hunting time.
Blade II (2002)
This film disappointed me immensely... :(
Dracula's Daughter (1936)
WOW! Home of sexual. She was honestly pretty cool and I think she shouldn't have died :/ Unfortunately, all the good points of this movie are ultimately bogged down by the glacial pace.
Black Sunday (1960)
The opening to this movie was SOOOO DAMN GOOD! If it had more of that OR evil barbara steele it would be so much higher on this list. Unfortunately, it's kind of slow over all. Still love the cinnamon tography tho.
Underworld (2003)
This movie has a lot of fun action scenes, but the confusing way it conveys its overall very simple plot, its INCREDIBLY forced straight romance, the sudden shoehorned slavery allegory, and just like.... the awful male characters in it (like they just suck, they are evil but in a not fun way except for michael sheen) really ended up bringing this movie down for me overall. I loved the aesthetics of the fancy vampire house. loved michael sheen giving it 110% (god i wish there was more of him in this movie)........ but man i dont know. i really wish i was able to enjoy this more bc it had the potential to reach that van helsing/blade II level of fun but the bad parts of the movie just kind a killed any vibe i had for it in the end.
Sundown: The Vampire in Retreat (1989)
this movie is like.. everything i want in a vampire movie. the vampires are just tryin to live their life, and theyre really chill! the opening bit wit hthe gas station had me laughing outloud! and bruce campbell & deborah foremanis are so goddamn hot in this movie i cannot stop thinking about how perfectly my type their characters are. but then the movie had to go have a plot that really was soooooooooooooooooo boring and didn't focus on like ANY of these things. instead, all the fun stuff becomes set dressing to a weird like. cuckhold story???? i didn't care. my friends and i skipped to all the parts with bruce and deborah, which was the best decision ever.
The Vampire Lovers (1970)
*in tears* lesbian vampire movie........ it should be everything i wanted. but instead its just so... painfully.... boring............. at least the set design was killer tho!!!!!!!! also i saw a boobie.
The Brides of Dracula (1960)
why do people on the internet keep telling those who dont know better to watch this movie before dracula 1958? this movie is really boring and the vamprie in it looks like a dork. Martita Hunt is great in this but she is not in this movie nearly enough :/
Fright Night (2011)
the single redeeming thing about this movie is david tennant's character Peter Vincent (fuckin love that name). that is it. i cant even tell you what happens in the rest of this movie bc its so bad we started skipping through it. goddamn.